Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
