You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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