I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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