I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
