I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
