It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She's the barista slut.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
