im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
