the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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