He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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