Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
