Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
