I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
