After last night, I could never be a politician.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
