Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
