Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
