Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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