Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
