chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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