as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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