Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
