i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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