I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
