walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
