walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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