Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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