If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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