franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
