I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
