my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
