Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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