Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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