A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
