I faked an abortion last night.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
