By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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