just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Randomize
