Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
