What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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