I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
