i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
