i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My life is pants optional.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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