two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
