I seem to have left my pride at pride
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
