1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
