I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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