found the other keg... it's in the tree
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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