kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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