I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
