found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think your dad took our porno
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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