Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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