Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
