is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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