i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
