I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
