so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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