We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A+ Viking dick
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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